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rotten, miserable day. At least I don't have to work tomorrow. Or rather, at least I am not at the bookstore or the city tomorrow. I'll be doing plenty of work at home. But I do get to see Collin.

word of the day



Changes in my personal life that scare and excite me


relearning trust after only trusting myself for a long time, and not always even that


my father's poor health and what his death is going to mean


my grandsons and their futures, especially Caeden. 


Sandy Relief Efforts

Originally posted by kitanzi at Sandy Relief Efforts
Originally posted by browngirl at Sandy Relief Efforts
Originally posted by _samalander at Sandy Relief Efforts
(Reformatted from a post made 3/17/11)

I am donating blood Monday. Did you know the Red Cross estimates that only 5% of eligible donors give blood? They have their flaws as an organization (the no sodomy rule is a killer) but blood saves lives, and it's easy to give and you get a cookie when you're done.
In the USA, a man who has had sexual contact with a man since 1977 (the cut off date when we invented homosexuality, I think?) cannot donate blood, platelets, or plasma. ONLY the American Red Cross takes the step that bars women who have had sexual contact with a man who did that, and only if it was in the last 12 months. If you are a woman in that category, you can use the AABB database to find a non-ARC affiliated center to donate.

I know some of you are like me and don't have a ton of scratch to spare to help with the recovery from Sandy, so here are some links:
-Find a blood donation site (via AABB - includes Red Cross centers) here.
-Find a Red Cross donation center here.
-Find an American Blood Center here.
-Know a lot of people with red, blood-pumping hearts? Talk to your job, your church, your social club or whatever about hosting a blood drive. Give blood, get cookies.
(Of course, not everyone CAN give blood - you might not be old enough or weigh enough or just be petrified of needles. That's okay. There are other ways to help!)

Want to give money?
-FEMA has a list of organizations by state that are taking both time and money from volunteers.
-20x200 is selling print of the "blue marble" that shows sandy here. All profits go to the Red Cross.
-Don't like the Red Cross? Donate to the Mayor's Fund to Advance New York City here, the Salvation Army here (please mind that SA is a religious institution and you may or may not agree with their positions on homosexuality or trans* rights) or Global Giving here, which is also providing relief for the Haiti and the Caribbean.
-Kroger is putting coin donation boxes at its registers in some stores.
-iTunes and ebay are accepting donations.
-Check with your bank/job before you donate, some are matching donations as well. I'm trying to find a list of those. The Red Cross also has a searchable database of places that will match donations.

Want to help Haiti or Cuba?
-The Huffington Post has some links for getting food to Cuba.
-The International Rescue Committee is active in Haiti, and have a list of ways to help.
-International Medical Corps , Direct Relief, and Operation USA are working abroad, but I don't know these groups, so I neither support nor denounce them. See more in this vein at the Huffington Post.

How should you give?
-Be wary of the text-to-donate plans; many phone companies don't make the donation until AFTER you pay the bill it appears on - 90 days is a long time to wait.
-Remember to do research on charities before you donate. The ones I've heard are best are the Red Cross, Doctors Without Borders, and The Search Dog Foundation. - Your mileage may vary.
-The FBI has suggestions to not be scammed here.
-If you, like me, prefer fluffy puppies to most people, you can also give to WorldVets, which is the Red Cross for animals.

I know no one likes to hear it, but in these cases, money is the most helpful thing.
-I remember hearing about people who flew to Haiti or Japan to help, and had no transportation, didn't speak the language, and had no useful skills. Don't go to a disaster zone unless you are with an aid organization.
-Things like blankets and canned goods might make you feel good to donate, but think of the cost it takes for you to buy it and people to transport it. Aid groups can get these things for cheaper than you, and they can get them closer to the disaster zone, so it costs less to get there. Also, they know what's appropriate and what's needed.

-If you're in NY and have lost income, you can apply for compensation here.
-NJ residents can look here.
-If you're in NY and have HIV/AIDS or are on methodone, here are some resources.

Please boost the signal! I'm leaving this unlocked so more people know about these things - or

Canadian coinage

Question for filk friends:  I have a large amount of Canadian coin, at least $50, probably significantly more once I gather it from all over the house.  I'd love to use this to benefit Interfilk, and I'm wondering how is the best way to make that happen.  Would a Canadian at OVFF be willing to take possession of it and make it useful at FKO perhaps?  Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

May. 19th, 2012

Faeryn is married, and very happy about it.

The service was lovely, the bride beautiful in a gown she made herself, and the groom seemed happy.

My head hurts too much to put many details into words right now, and I suspect I'll not get around to doing a proper report.

One of her friends was very very kind to me as I cried my way through the ceremony. Talk of forever is so hard to hear. I wanted to scream out that forever just doesn't happen, but I didn't.

Only had to disappear from the reception once, when a song was too hard to listen to,

His mother is not very nice. Met her for the first time today, and I hope it's the last for a while.

His father IS nice, and stayed to help with clean-up, as did my parents (thank goodness!).

I have no pictures because my camera malfunctioned. Hopefully her father will share though.

Steve was kind, and when asked "Who gives this bride", actually gestured to me and said "Her mother and I".

After everyone was gone, I took the last pink heart mylar balloon and wrote a note on it, walked out onto the pier, and sent it up, watching until I couldn't see it any more. This greatly confused one of the children fishing off the other end of the pier.

I have a really wicked headache - probably from lack of proper food and from all the crying I've done. Going to try and remedy at least part of that now.

What I want for Mother's Day

I want 24 hours of peace. I want my grandson and his mother to go visit her mother. I want my son to spend the day with his grandparents, neither drinking nor using drugs. I want to come home after work to a quiet house, with no arguing, no crying, and enjoy sometime with my cats. I want my daughter's fiance to treat her like the jewel she is, and to not drink for the entire weekend. While I'm wishing for miracles, I want a headache free day and a day without tears.

I also want a hug.

Writer's Block: B.Y.O.B. Holidays

If you could solve one problem in the world, what would it be?

One random answer will win a $50 Amazon gift card. [Details here]

View 813 Answers

Drug addiction. it ruins so many lives and causes so many problems for so many people.

May. 1st, 2011

Life continues to be more interesting than I want, and consistently painful. I really don't like who I am these days, especially as I see some thing that needs to be done in the near future, that I desperately don't want to do or feel able to do, but feel like I must. The kicker is, that I can't even vent about it without feeling worse - too many of my friends would be able to do it and wouldn't understand my fear. As it is, a number of the things which are overwhelming me just now get a reaction from friends/family of (essentially) "It's not that big a deal, get over it).

With Greg, this might be possible. Scary still, but possible. Now, I guess things are still possible, but so overwhelming I get physically ill. I really don't know how to keep this up anymore. Daily my will to be here fades more and more. I didn't think I could want to be with Greg any more than I did before, but it's worse now than ever.

As usual, no choices. Or rather, it feels like there are no choices.


Many of you know that my son's girlfriend was expecting a baby, and some know about my concerns about paternity. Kathy gave birth on Saturday (had an emergency c-section actually; both she and baby are fine), and we're all accepting that Caeden is Garrett's son. Ok, I still have my doubts, but since Garrett is accepting the baby as his, unless they choose to do DNA testing and get a different answer, Caeden is my grandson. Good thing too, because that little boy has me entirely wrapped around his fingers already. I know life just got a great deal more complicated, but I suspect he's going to make it worth it.

Tonight I printed out wallet-size copies of some of the pictures I've taken of Caeden with my digital phone. I put out a set for Scott and Carol and Faeryn, and am giving a batch to Garrett and Kathy to give away as they choose. I also put aside a set for myself and for Greg. It was a full 10 minutes after I'd cut the pictures before I realized what I'd done.

This little boy and the pleasure he gives me is so very bittersweet. When things went downhill in the delivery room on Saturday morning, and they rushed Kathy away for an emergency C-section, I immediately spoke to Greg and begged him to be with Caeden and Kathy and to do what he could to look out for our little boy. That evening when I finally got to hold Caeden (his name is going to be Caeden Garrett Corbin on the birth certificate), I told him a lot about his Opa Greg (I'm going to be Oma) who will be watching over him. I intend for him to grow up seeing pictures of Greg and knowing who he is.

It's been a long weekend, and I'm desperate for some downtime and sleep. Not sure when that will happen. Tomorrow I'm not going to see Caeden as they are going home from the hospital, and by the time I get done with work then therapy, it will be almost 8pm and I figure they will need the peace and quiet. Garrett gently suggested to me today that perhaps I wouldn't mind not coming by at lunch as they will have just gotten home and will be exhausted. It's going to be hard not to go by every day, though I know I can't do that.

Anyway, I have a beautiful grandson who I am going to have to work hard to keep from spoiling, and who is already showing signs of stubborness and temper. I expect I'm going to be getting some revenge on Garrett very early for some of the gray hairs he's given me!

Thank you

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post(s) about the townhouse, here, on facebook, and via email. It does help not only to have people who are listening and who understand and who don't think I'm being ridiculous for finding this a difficult change, but also to be reminded that I'm really not as alone as I convince myself I am.

*HUGS* to all of you, and I'm sorry I haven't responded to each individual post and *hugs*. I've run out of spoons and am going to curl up with a cat until I find some more.



For much of the afternoon and evening, I've been thinking of what I might post here. Now that I'm finally at a computer, I find my self too drained and my head hurting too much to write even half of it.

The townhouse has been on the market for almost a year. It is hard for me to remember that this is not the house that my beloved and I lived in, but a similar structure standing on the same slab. Even the tree that stood outside our bedroom has been removed.

Today I received and signed a contract for the townhouse. I desperately need to sell it, both because I can't afford to continue paying the mortgage and because it is time to let go. I still can't go into the neighborhood without approaching panic and/or feeling distinctly unwell. I think I've been by the house a total of 5 times since it was rebuilt, and only one of them willingly, when I thought I might somehow feel closer to Greg there (I didn't).

So the contract has been signed for an offer less than I hoped for, but more than I was afraid I'd have to accept. Which would be ok, because after all, it takes time to process things, and by the time closing rolls around I'll be used to the idea, right? Umm, no. They want to close next Thursday. One week from today. All that has to be done first is a home inspection and for the buyer to review the bylaws for the Home Owners Association. The HOA may be what does me in, but I hope not.

So a week from today, I may no longer own the home that Greg and I lived in from the time we were married until the day of his death. Just writing that makes me start shaking again.

It isn't our home. Hasn't been for over 3 years now. I don't know why it is so very hard to let go, when I KNOW it isn't our home and I KNOW I can't afford to keep it, and I KNOW I only hurt when I go there, and there is no good reason for me to fall apart over the sale.

Somehow it sort of feels like I'm giving up on him by letting go of the house, which is stupid, of course, because holding on the house isn't going to magically bring him back. If it would, I'd beg, borrow and steal to make it so.

A week from now, one more burden will be lifted from my shoulders. I wish it felt like as much of a good thing as I know it is.



I finally went out to the mailbox today after having skipped it yesterday and possibly the day before. I've been feeling lousy, and just not wanted to deal. I was delighted to find a package from artbeco's Etsy shop (if you haven't checked it out, you should). I expected two copies of the wonderful thought-provoking photo she'd kindly allowed me to special request. Not only were those included, but a couple of gifts that overwhelmed me - two of my other favorite images (Go look at her stuff, I dare you to be able to find just one favorite!) Now, instead of doing the tidying I should still be working on, I'm going to sit back and enjoy my pictures, and decide where they are all hanging. I have to choose which one goes in the public space for everyone to see, and which goes in my bedroom for me to be able to see when I'm alone at night and feeling unloved (will be harder to allow that feeling to take over with the evidence to the contrary staring back at me).

Beckett, I can't thank you enough.

I hope someday I eventually get to hug you in person; you can't know how much your kindness and generousity changed my day.


Jan. 6th, 2011

Waking from bad dreams, I still reach for the warmth of his hand, listen for the reassuring sound of his breathing. It is amazing how very loud silence can be.

Jan. 2nd, 2011

It is kind of nice listening to my children and Lee playing video games in Faeryn's apartment. Kind of hard too - I want to join them, but it's her space, and I've made it clear that I don't go down there uninvited. I try very hard to give her the respect and distance I would give any other paying customer. Makes it much lonelier, though.

Oct. 15th, 2010

Is getting sick and tired of being an adult. Both my children are in not so good spots right now - my son is involved with a girl who is simply not good for him, and who is causing a great deal of family stress. My daughter is in a LD relationship which is stressful in itself, and she's unhappy for a number of reasons. My BP is being difficult to control, my headaches are out of control, and I don't have the energy/motivation/strength to take care of things at home like I should, and really don't have anyone I can ask for help (no one locally). My daughter is about the only person I feel comfortable with seeing the place as it is and whom I would not mind having help.

I hope I can manage to do OVFF next weekend. I need the adult company.

Faeryn and other good stuff

Faeryn is coming for a WEEK in June! Ok, granted, I have to work the whole week, and she's going to be spending time with friends, her grandparents, her brother, and her Dad, but I'll get some time with her, which will be good.

Also have someone very interested in renting the apartment for June. He just wants the one month, which means I'd get a bit of income, then would have the place available in time to be able to maybe coax family or friends to come visit from PA or Boston.


May. 10th, 2010

*sigh* I can't wait until June and the chance to spend some time with my daughter. And I did get to see her in February at least. Her poor Dad is suffering from even greater withdrawal! I'm beginning to be afraid he's going to come to the con, just to get to see her, which would be incredibly stressful for me. Besides, I want time with her that I don't have to share. Yep, selfishness shining through again.

*sigh* a few more weeks. If I can survive the next 3 weeks, I'll make it.


May. 9th, 2010

So very frustrated and feeling helpless to make the lives of my children easier. Also very disappointed in some people I expected to act like decent human beings, and who are letting me down in a major way.

*deep breath*

My wish for today is that these people end up reaping what they sow.

Apr. 18th, 2010

Hee! A Local Habitation is available on mp3 CD! Can't wait to hear what it sounds like! I wonder if Seanan had any say at all in who is reading her book. I doubt it, but it would be nice if she had.

Apr. 8th, 2010

I'm seriously considering attempting to attend Camp Widow in San Diego the weekend of August 6th. It is a gathering of widows (and widowers) with a number of speakers and presentations, and the opportunity to meet other people who are in the same place I am, or who have been in this place and gotten through it. I already get a lot of .... comfort?... from reading and think I'd like to meet some of the people who write there. Maybe.

Kinda scary, though.


Apr. 7th, 2010

Having a bum foot is a royal pain. There is no real reason why I can't work - my brain is working just fine (or as well as usual). Yet, at work I can't take the care of my foot that I need to to get it to heal faster (can't prop it as much, plus more walking than is nice). It is also frustrating that my foot hurts more now than last week. Like now that I KNOW what is wrong with it my brain is acknowledging the pain more (or is it just psychosomatic?). Really, a broken bone doesn't hurt much more than a bad sprain according to the MD. But since they manipulated and x-rayed and so on on Monday, the foot has been aching more. *grumble* I've increased NSAID use to every 4 hours, and that is helping some, but I am dreading work today, at least the 1st job. I do have to be at the bookstore today, but am just there to help the new girl, so will sit with my foot propped up and answer questions if needed, and pretend I'm not there.

Enough whining. Off to work!



wishes very much she had bookmarked cadhla's entries about the Healy Mice. My daughter must be introduced.

In other news, today was day from hell. Slept badly with many dreams. Only good point of morning was a friend being unexpectly cheerful about gym time. I love her even if she is insane. Made it to work on time, barely, had to park farther out than usual, and walk farther in the only pair of black shoes I currently have, which hurt. 10:15, get a call about a complaint about a store employee. Talk to the employee (T). Talk to the boss and other manager. Find out a decision I made at bookstore was Wrong. Confess to boss that I am at fault, and get scolded. try unsuccessfully to get caught up at (city) work. Go to therapy. Come out to find out my sister(inlaw) is in ER. Go to bookstore to talk more with employee, and end up having to stay until almost close. Find out that sister is going to be admitted. Pass on news to Faeryn, then have small breakdown and fall apart at store, ending up being comforted by employee. Leave so she can finish closing, and call friend for support. talk to friend 5 minutes, who then has to go help son with homework. Dissolve another 10 minutes, then drive home. Try to get on track and call other manager to talk about work/interviews to be done over weekend. Find out other manager thought I was significantly older than I am (closer to 50), and that she thinks T is 30. T is actually a bit more than a year older than me. Call T to give her the compliment, conversation goes from cheery to sad again, and I make it off the phone before falling apart yet again. Migraine has started and is beyond excedrin control. Finally something good happens and I text back and forth with sister. Must figure out way to go see her. Can hardly read text on phone because of headache, but it seems like I'm keeping her company while she waits to go from ER to room, so at least I felt useful for a bit. Finally start to settle for bed, after drinking water in hopes of making head better, when cats discover stink bugs in house and set them off. Ick. Then cats meow and carry on for another 20 minutes.

My head is killing me (though it isn't as bad as C's so I need to shut up and not complain), but at least I ended the day by keeping C company for a bit. Tomorrow damned well better be a better day. Scheduled to work 12 hours at city, 4-5 of them at DTS. Will be making phone calls from there to arrange interviews for possible new store employee.

Hope your day was better!


Mar. 18th, 2010

Went to check on a friend after therapy and got home low enough on spoons that I fed cats and myself, and have not managed to get anything else done. When I'm too tired to dish up Mango Sorbet, it is time for bed! I've set the alarm for 30 minutes earlier than usual and will hopefully manage to get a minimum done before I go to work in the morning. For now, I'm off to bed.

Feb. 27th, 2010

Faeryn is offline until she gets another computer - hers is no longer taking a charge. To reach her, it is best to txt or call her cell.

Feb. 23rd, 2010

Being a mother of young adults is hard. You know they need to to be allow to make their own decisions and they should also be allowed to deal with the consequences of those decisions. One can't constantly intervene in relationships or job situations; You can't force them into learning from your mistakes but have to let them make their own.. You can't bleed yourself dry emotionally, phisically, or financially to keep them afloat. Sometimes it is oh so very hard to step back and hold your tongue.

I worry about both kids. Luckily for F, she's far enough away that it is harder for me to interfere and net let her live her life on her own and G. is so independent, he doesn't allow much interference. Lucky for me, too, I guess.

Feb. 17th, 2010

I guess I must be starting to heal because my old body-image issues are starting to resurface. A year ago I didn't care who thought I was fat or whether they thought my weight makes me ugly. Over the past week, though, I've had something happen every day to make me aware of how huge I am and what I look like to other people and how many other people feel about people my size.

It really isn't a good feeling.


Seeking advice from my artistic friends.

I purchased/ordered a black and white nude portrait from Laurie Toby Edison, the photographer who did the Women En Large photo series. Next I will need to get it framed, and I'm not sure of the best way to go about doing it. Should I take it to a framing shop and ask for advice? I confess I'm a bit uncomfortable because of the emotion portrayed in the portrait, which hits so very close to home, I feel like I'm exposing too much of myself. I'd mostly rather mat and frame it myself, but have no artistic leanings for that at all. Any suggestions?


Feb. 13th, 2010

The userpic is a rose that used to grow in the garden of the townhouse.

Cons are such a mixed blessing.

Yesterday I made it to Boston with minimal trouble. A little black ice on my driveway, and I got lost finding my way to the Daily Parking at IAD. Still made it to the gate 2 hours early. Decided at the last minute to take advantage of pre-boarding because I can't lift my left arm above my head, and am SO grateful that I did. Will do the same on the way back. It is worth the nasty looks from people who think I shouldn't be doing so because I don't look sick.

Faeryn caught up with me at the airport and escorted me to the home where she is living/working. We had time to catch up a bit, though I was pretty foggy from the journey and wasn't as communicative as would have been nice. F. provided me with a bag of thoughtful valentine goodies. Got to meet the family and get lots of baby cuddle-time. Little H. is adorable, and I enjoyed getting to chat with his parents too (I know they won't mind too much that my attention was focused mostly on him). I did have to reassure them that I had no desire to kidnap Baby even though I was dearly enjoying cuddling him - I want no more teens!

Eventually F's new local boyfriend, Jimmy, showed up and went with us to the con.

We explored the dealers room a bit and met a few people before registering for the con, and eventually Mary Anne found and kidnapped me for dinner, which was the highlight of my evening. I caught up with F. and J. in time to get in trouble for saying too much and to say goodnight to them before they went elsewhere for a bit. Early to bed for me, though not early to sleep. I woke in time to watch part of the sunrise from my room, then came down to the lobby to find internet access since I couldn't get connected there. Now I am trying to figure out what I want to do next.

Cons are a very mixed blessing. I love seeing people and collecting hugs, and I feel guilty that I don't reach out to any of these people in between cons. Most of them don't know or understand that by the time I can force myself to make that phone call to reach out, I am pretty much at the end of my rope and hanging on for dear life. I love the feeling of being cared for and somehow connected again. I feel closer to Greg. And I miss him more than ever. I see people we know, and turn to point them out to him. I saw Louis McMaster Bujold yesterday and wished desperately that he was there to meet her. I'm still considering getting her to autograph one of her books for him, silly as it sounds. I've greeted a few people who only know me as Greg's wife (which is perfectly fine with me). How many times did I go to cons with him, and just lean against him as I listened to him talk to people whose names I couldn't quite remember? I'm already overwhelmed and ready to go home, and there are still so many people I want to see and hug. I'm at the point this morning, though, where I'm already breaking into tears for no real reason.

I think it is time for water and Ibuprofen and to either wander the galleria a bit or go back up to my room and cool down a bit (the public areas of the hotel are grossly overheated - I'm sweating in a light-weight t-shirt!

Will try to keep up with LJ and FB, but with the limited connectivity available, I may miss something, so please drop me a note here if there is something you'd like me to know about or comment on.

Help, please?

Now that my headache is more firmly under control, I'm awake and not able to sleep. So, I'm spending a bit of time trying to figure out the best replacement laptop for my money, and since I know next to nothing about computers, I'm looking for help/advice/input from my geeky friends and family.

I used to have a Compaq Presario V6000. It has died, and while data from the hard drive is salvageable, the computer itself isn't. So, I ordered this computer: from TigerDirect. A nice enough machine, though it did turn out to be a bit more cumbersome somehow than I expected. I really love having a keypad on the side, though it isn't absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, the CD/DVD drive didn't work consistently. It wouldn't read disks most of the time, and I could only open it using the little eject pin-hole. So, I have returned it. The price was about perfect, though I could go a little bit higher if necessary. I like having a web-cam because eventually I want to be able to have long-distance dinners with friends or family via webcam. That said, I'm not willing to pay a great deal extra for it, and given a choice, I'd opt for the keypad rather than the webcam. I don't want huge screen - 17 inches is unwieldy. I am currently using a 10 inch netbook, which is adequate, if a little tight for typing, and it is an EEE PC, so is linux based (I believe) and has no hard drive. It also has a teeeny screen which means that sometimes when my head is very bad, I can't seem to read screen.

I've tried shopping around, but really I don't know what I'm looking at other than screen size and some of the extras like webcams and DVD vs CD drives (I do want at least a CD writer, Greg would have insisted we go with a DVD writer, so I keep that in mind).

Anyone bored and interested in helping me find a new laptop? I'd be very grateful for the help!

And now that typing/reading on the itty bitty netbook is bugging my eyes/head again, I guess I'll go and check if it is snowing yet, then curl up with the cats.



I have purchased tickets and reserved a room for February 12-14 for Boskone. It is a simple room with 2 beds. Faeryn may be spending one or both nights with me, but can share my bed. Anyone interested in a room share/possession of the other bed? I won't have a great deal of luggage and I don't think either of us snore. Don't know if it would make a difference to a possible room-mate, but I will be in and out of the room a great deal as I tend to get overwhelmed by people/emotions pretty easily and will escape to the room when that happens. I'm not at all adverse to small gatherings in the room if you need practice space, as long as I'm allowed to listen :).


some things never change

Twice in the last 24 hours I've made a fool of myself. Once by posting something somewhere that I thought no one else could see, but found out they could, and secondly by responding to something while half asleep, then not remembering what exactly I had said, and apologizing for it. I only just retrieved exactly what I'd said the first time, which was really quite within what I'd have wanted said, and the apology made me sound like a total idiot and made things much worse.

In two years, though, I haven't really cared if anyone thought I was a fool. I guess it is an improvement that I could be embarrassed by either episode and really is an improvement that I thought it was possible that I might have said what I didn't actually say.

Luckily in both cases, the people I made a fool of myself in front of are people who aren't at all likely to hold it against me.

Nov. 18th, 2009

I know my life really isn't awful. I have friends and family, people I love, who are fighting much greater battles than I am, who are hurting more than I am. It frustrates and angers me when I get overwhelmed and stopped in my tracks by tears and grief. I feel like I'm being totally selfish and self-centered and yet I can't seem to put those feelings aside. I still have evenings where I spend most of the time crying and unable to look past the horrible hole in my world. Tonight is one of those nights where I want nothing more than to go to sleep and not wake up. Nothing has happened today - it has actually been a fairly decent day. I'm tired and headachey but that is nothing new.

Tomorrow is counseling. Hopefully I'll talk about this and get some help figuring out how to get my head out this fog and to concentrate and be aware of the issues other people are having rather than constantly rehashing my loss.

I'm so sick of all this and feeling this way.

Nov. 14th, 2009

Plea to my friends - Looking for older movies to add to my Neflix list. I like romantic comedies like most of the Aundrey Hepburn classics, silly fun like Gidget, movies like Gigi and Come September. I've got a large number of Gregory Peck, Rock Hudson and Cary Grant movies on my list, and a few Sandra Dee movies. I also love some of the older black and white movies you see on Turner Classics (though I don't have cable, so can't watch those), but definitely lean toward lighter-hearted moveis. I am not, however, a fan of slapstick comedies.

Any recommendations?

Nov. 11th, 2009

I need hugs. Unfortunately 3 of the 5 people who are local enough to ask for hugs are smokers, which my lungs can't handle right now, a 4th spends enough time with a smoker that I sometimes smell the smoke on her, and the 5th person I only see every week to 10 days at most, and often not at a time when I can leave my desk to hug her.

I'm almost ready for winter to be over and my next potential visit to Boston for a con to be closer. That will change when the snow starts - I want lots of snow - but right now I want hugs more.

I'll get a hug fix sometime in November or December when I go to PA to visit. Tonight that just seems far away.


The laptop curse

We seem to have a curse on laptops here. Faeryn has gone through several, and now the one I bought ~18 months ago has apparently died. It had been freezing frequently, sometimes not coming out of standby and requiring a hard reboot. The last time it froze and I turned it off, it decided it wasn't coming on again. It made a few false starts, even getting as far as starting some kind of windows start-up repair, but froze doing that, and had to be turned off. Now it keeps attempting to turn on as long as the battery is in, whether I have it plugged in or not, and whether it is opened or closed. It lights up, something starts whirring for half a second, then it goes dark and silent again for 2-3 seconds and then repeats. To make it stop I have to remove the battery.

Does anyone have any suggestions or any idea whether it would be work taking it to my local Geek Squad?

Oct. 4th, 2009

It has been a long but not awful day, I guess.

46 years ago today, my husband Greg, the love of my life and my best friend, was born. I miss him horribly.

I did my falling apart early when I woke up at 4am after only a couple of hours of sleep, then cried myself back to sleep and into a nasty headache. I managed to get my act together, though, and be mostly upbeat when Faeryn left for the morning. Carol called and talked to me a bit, then Kathy came around 11:30 to hang out for a bit. My mother dropped her off with some very welcome chocolate cake and spicy peanuts. Dr. W, my therapist, called to check on me and see how I was surviving the day. Faeryn came home after her morning of babysitting and her boyfriend, Lee, came over for an hour as well. I got to talk to Kathy about Greg, reliving our first in person meeting and our first kiss. We looked at some stuff online, and I made appointments for an electrician to come give me estimates on some things I need done in the next few months. Kathy and I played some of the best Rummy I've played in years. At 6, Garrett came to get Kathy and by 7pm I was on my own again.

The house is quiet now and I am settled down for the evening with the cats. Snugs is passed out beside me, and Emo is gazing out the window, hoping his Faeryn will come home. Bed for me, soon, I think.

I wish I could sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time and that I'd stop waking up looking for him.

Emo has decided to come and curl up on me for a while and wants me to stop typing and put away the netbook.

Goodnight all.

Sep. 6th, 2009

Over a year and a half later, I'm still saving the juice from the fruit-cocktail for him to drink. He always hated it when I drained fruit into the sink. I went to put the finished dessert in the refrigerator, and there was the glass of juice.


Jul. 30th, 2009

Thank you to everyone who gave me information about grandmother names. I am probably going to be trying for Grammy, though I will ask Faeryn if she had had a thought/suggestion. I rather like Mommom, but it is too close to Mom to be comfortable for Faeryn, I suspect.

Jul. 20th, 2009

I'm trying hard to do less complaining, and while I'm posting less, I guess I am not complaining much less. Slowly, though, the places that I go to vent are becoming narrowed again. On facebook I can't vent about anything at the bookstore, or openly about my daughter, because my boss from the store reads my FB. At the city, discussing my health leads to issues with my boss, who doesn't like me being sicker than she is. Besides, I don't LOOK sick, so I must just be lazy. My friend and current co-worker, T, (as apposed to my friend and former co-worker T...) is also friends with F. and I need to be more careful not to catch her in the middle when I need to vent about F. I also shouldn't discuss store issues with her so that she doesn't get caught in the middle between me and other staff. I find it very hard to hold my tongue when talking to her, though, because I feel more comfortable talking to her than to any other female friend I've had, except my sister-in-law. T also talks to me about serious things in her life as well as the fun things - things that would be TMI from anyone else are just fine from her, and usually fun. My friend and former co-worker, T, (must figure out a good way to differentiate between them) is not someone I can vent to at all as she is currently in a miserable situation, and anything I complain about just sounds silly to her; she is convinced she'd love to trade problems.

At least I have people who love me, and non-local people I can turn to for venting if I really need to.

Ok, that is enough complaining for this week. Time for bed.

Jul. 19th, 2009

It would be so nice, and so good for me, if I could take today off and spend a second day gathering strength for the week and getting tiny bits done at home, and recovering for pushing a little too hard yesterday. It isn't an option, really, I need the hours, I need to make my presence known in the store, and having been warned how bad yesterday was and how much there is to do today, it would be wrong of me to call someone in when I'm not really sick. I'm just tired and my back aches a bit, but really the only issue is that I don't want to spend the whole day at work again. I'd rather go to Lowes and pick up the digital thermostat I need (got the wrong one before), and spend the rest of the day catching up on laundry, reading, and napping, and resting up so that tomorrow morning I don't start the week by feeling wiped out by noon.

I'm going to be a responsible adult, though, and go get dressed, go shopping for office supplies, and go to work. At least I will be done by 6:30 or 7 and can do another early night.


Jul. 13th, 2009

There are a few people on my f-list that I'm not seeing posts from anymore, and I'm worried about them. Do I pester them to find out how they are, or leave them in peace? I double checked to make sure I wasn't unexpectedly de-friended by a mass of people, and am glad to see that I haven't been, but now I'm worried. Of course, real life is probably just keeping them from posting; just because I don't have much of a life away from the computer doesn't mean that others are in the same boat :)


Jul. 4th, 2009

If I could find comfort in pleasant memories, I'd be grateful. Instead I keep thinking of all the things I didn't say or do, or didn't say or do often enough. I remember how selfish I was/am and worry that he doesn't know that he was and is the mainstay of my life. I remember arguments or scoldings, I remember being ungrateful when I was sick. I remember being grouchy and taking it out on him even through he didn't deserve it in the least. I remember making him worry. It is hard to remember making him smile or laugh. I remember other people doing that, though.

There are so many "if only"s. I wish so much that I could know that he knows how much I love and need him and how very lost I am without him.


Jun. 22nd, 2009

I'm really exhausted and probably not going to manage to catch up with posts or comments any time soon, if at all. Please let me know if I've missed anything I should know about!

Going to bed now - goodnight all!


Very fried brain refused to let me go to sleep - or rather just woke me as I was about to fall completely asleep with the realization that one of the people I always associate with Boston isn't actually going to be at the con, though I never managed to realize otherwise until now. (Because, of course, everyone I know through Greg just has to be a filker). Between work on Friday, Shabbos, and family commitments on Sunday, I can't expect to see mdyesowitch, which I only just internalized.


Must arrange a non-con-related trip to Boston.

Going back to sleep now


Since I met the love of my life online...

I had to post this after seeing it in starmalachite's journal.

If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.


I am going nuts trying to pack. I don't need much - basic clothes for Saturday and Sunday, probably jeans and a couple of tops, something pretty as well, and nightwear and underthings. I also have a small gift to bring for my niece and of course some beading or chain mail supplies to keep my hands occupied. It will all fit into a small rolling bag. It might also all fit into a backpack. My brain wants me to use a rolling bag - I always use one when I travel. It might be easier to travel public transit with a backpack. A backpack doesn't allow me to bring much back, which could be good. I can always carry an over-sized purse as well (and probably will). This really shouldn't be this hard, but I'm too tired to think clearly right now. I guess I need to try packing the backpack first and see if that will give me enough space and how much extra space, if any, I need.

Bed first, I think.

Jun. 14th, 2009

So very tired. Right now I've got a load of things to be done before I can close up (not to mention another hour to wait), and all I want to do is sit down and cry from sheer fatigue. I tried calling F. earlier when I knew I was fading to ask her to come in, but she is not feeling well. I'm hoping that caffeinated gum will help; I've been using it to get through most days lately.

It is almost time to go now (I've been pulled away from the computer to do actual work) and if I can get the last person out of the store, I can go home soon.

So very very tired.



So, I brought the minivan up to have, available to go pick up Faeryn when she arrives at the airport. Now the inside lights won't go off. Short of pulling the fuse (and I don't know which one to pull, F does, or disconnecting the battery, I can't convince the car that really and truly, the doors are closed and it can shut off now. So, I'm sitting in the car and starting it every 10 min or so to avoid runnng the battery down before I go pick her up in 40 minutes (assuming the plane can land in spite of the current storm or that said storm has moved enough away by then). According to the web, I could probably get this problem fixed for another $200 or so, but I just can't put that much more into my van right now. I need to find a nice mechanic who can put in some kind of switch for me that will give us another way to turn off the lights, maybe somethng that cuts the power to the battery.

My head hurts and I'm getting grumpier!

Jun. 8th, 2009

I never stop missing Greg, and I've still yet to make it through 48 hours without crying for him (though that is an improvement over a year ago when I couldn't make it 12 hours). Most of the time I can pull myself together pretty quickly. Some nights though, like tonight, it hurts more than ever and I pray desperately for sleep and the relief that usually comes with it.

I know that in 2 weeks I'll be around friends and that will help. Tonight, though, it is just me in a far-too-empty bed, and a pair of noisy cats.

I want to sleep. Sometimes he is in my dreams, and I forget, for just a little while, that he's not here anymore.

I miss him so very much.

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